you don't need to get your armor (or 'arm up')

i'm not sure how to say anything i want to.
and it's only because i want to whine and bitch and be annoying
yet at the same time i want to berate myself and bash myself and beat myself into submission for feeling this way

for thinking this is so important.



but love is important...
pitiful, pitiful, pitiful.

i collect the summation of stares and glances and turn them upside down all around to be as significant as i want to, and in the end they equal nothing.
(just a few saints, being turned into the sea.)/ohmax.
when will it be my turn?
do i really have to wait and hold out and hope so long?
...why am i so selfish...?

but tomorrow's graduation, it's no time to think about boys and their silly ways. no! i
must throw off all such carnal desires and think about the past and future.
that's what tomorrow is about, all we've been through and all we're going to
one of those planned moments to not exist as an actual moment in time one can live in, but to exist on a continuum of personal film reels that spread forward and back(ward).
there is no present moment
just a sugar coated past and a melancholically hopeful future--to be realists (is to be cynics), is to say that by looking at our shitty past, there really isn't any way to have any glimmer of hope for the future...
but it really wasn't all that bad.
i think the only reason i got through it all was because of friends. without friends, i really would have had a shitty school life.
thank you friends. i love you, in each of your respective moments and eras. and now, right now, the past and the future, at this moment, forever and always. (but not at the present--as no present exists).

tomorrow's a day that doesn't really exist on the calendar. we won't feel it go by, we'll just feel.



(just have to be annoying one last time; despite whatever nostalgic and universal ambience i've created)
11:11 fairy, hear me:
...i wish for a boy,
somebody to love.