perseids: texted in kid's corral

i saw a bit of the meteor shower. it was kind of raging, like a cosmic rave

i love just being out here. with the quiet ambiance of pot smokers in the background. with tumor-infested rats and rabbits and bugs and shadows to keep me company. with real air to feel and breathe. these are the moments i feel infinite.

"do you feel more yourself?"

no. i feel more than myself. universal. like i'm part of it all.

"do you know what it's like to die alive?"

i can't stop listening to next to normal
it has nothing to do with my situation
but of course i take bits of lyrics, halves of lines, segments of words
and bang boom wiggle wiggle--it's about me.
thus i ... create?
so i can't get it out of my head.

"take a look at the invisible girl. here she is clear as the day; please look closely and find her before she fades away"
i'm fading away.
but it's of my own accord.


you don't listen
you don't care
you don't know

don't--don't, STOP IT.
No, go ahead
blow up
you don't care
go ahead and text your little self away



...I just thought what you should know.

and it's all my fault.

i'm the one of us to survive

i saw rent at brookhaven tonight, it was pretty amazing.

and i remember why i love rent so much. and i remember why i got so mad when you said you hated it. i got so irrationally angry when you did, i didn't even know why myself. I told myself that it was because rent is my favorite musical.

well, it is because it's my favorite musical, sort of.
it's my favorite because it's a part of me: no, not just because i'm gay and the gay mafia commands us to take the utmost delight in rent. rent is about me.

it's about makr who has an amazing group fo friends who learn to show emotion and love and fight and yell and dance and feel and live and die. And all the while mark stands on the edge, recording it all on camera, working. He hides in his work, his pictures; he hides so that he can't face his failure, his loneliness, face the fact he lives a lie.

roger to mark: "yes you live a lie. tell me why, you're always preaching not to be numb, when that's how you thrive, you pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive"
mark to roger: "maybe that's because i'm the one of use to survive"

i'm mark...i know it's cheesy, but during that scene i had that epiphany and i just broke down. yeah the angel dying part was hard, but this is what hit me the hardest. this, saying goodbye, and the end.

this is saying goodbye, this is the end.
all i can do is keep breathing, now.
no day but today.